Music

I'm realizing that the music I want to listen to is almost always directly tied to my mood. Today all I want to listen to is sad, depressing music. When I hear something upbeat I feel myself start to come out of my melancholy but I don't want to come out of it for some reason. I'm not sure what it says about my personality that I usually want to listen to 80's sounding dance music, usually fronted by a girl singer...

Excitement

Well, after laboring over the decision of what to do with my life for several months I finally made a decision. Meghan and I will be moving to Denver in January to help plant a church with some friends from Fort Worth. I am so excited about this. I'm excited to live in Denver, excited to start something new and significant, but mostly I'm excited because I feel like I'm finally submitting to God's will and letting Him conform my will. My excitement makes me happy, but also leads to a little anxiety. I have 5 more months here in OKC but at times my mind is already in Denver. I can't help from looking for houses in Denver and thinking about the church plant more than my current job.

Disappointment

Well, I didn't get into that certain graduate program.

My initial feeling when I read the news: nothing. I didn't feel anything, good or bad. Then about ten minutes later after reading the rejection letter for the third time the sadness hit. A sharp sadness and feeling of rejection. Now, a day later, it is just a subtle sadness and hopelessness. I was expecting a sense of relief, hoping whatever feeling that came would be better than the anxiousness. Not necessarily the case. I hope the relief will come in a couple of days once the sadness goes away.

Anxiousness

I applied for a position in a certain grad program almost four weeks ago. I was supposed to hear back within two weeks, then it was pushed back an additional two weeks. The result: Severe anxiety. It's one of the more physically taxing emotions. I have a consistent, dull churning in my stomach. I feel that it is taking a toll on the rest of my body as well. Emotionally I can stay quite upbeat and function as usual. It doesn't keep me from enjoying reading, listening to music or any of my other hobbies and actually anything that keeps my mind away from the source of my anxiousness relieves the pain completely. Unfortunately, my day job does nothing to alleviate the anxiousness, so I end up sitting at my desk for 8 hours a day hoping that the next email or phone call I receive will be the answer. It's pretty miserable, but not nearly as bad as anger or depression.

Contentment

It feels good. It's not overwhelming, but it is all encompassing, if that makes sense. It's not a strong, specific emotion like anger or joy- much more peaceful. It's basically the bizarro version of apathy(see depression), or I should say apathy is the bizarro version of contentment. This is my typical state of mind, which I'm so thankful for. I attribute it to God. I would say that I rest in this state about 85% of the time. The remaining 15% is split between depression, joy, anger, excitement, anxiety and so on.

Anger

How does anger feel? Well, it's not too far from depression although not quite as apathetic, and my mind races a little more (if you could ever consider what my mind does as racing.) Then there is the underlying urge to beat someone up- which is a little weird since I'm a relatively peaceful person and I haven't been in a fight in just over a decade. Hmmmmm... It's gone. I'm no longer angry so I can't really write about it anymore.

Depression

Depression... for me it feels like utter boredom and indescribable discomfort- physical and emotional. There are so many things I could and should be doing- work, other work, reading my bible, reading anything, practicing drums, playing guitar, taking care of stuff that needs to be done, you know. But I can't do any of that stuff. I can't do anything. Writing this pathetic blog post is the most productive thing I've done all day. The only thing that sounds remotely appealing is jumping on my motorcycle and taking a long ride... but I sold it 7 months ago so that's not really an option. I have the money to buy a new one, which I would really like to do, but now that I'm married, my money is our money and I can't just go out and drop a few grand on a bike- rightly so.